The Animaniacs Show
by scratchy-really-big
Summary: The Warners in the Looney Tunes Show. Rated T because I'm paranoid.
1. Chapter 1

Glad **that's** over. Better hide the time machine before Daffy finds out about it. In this timeline; the other one's shot, what with us being kicked out of the house, my rabbit hole floding, minor details like that.

Anyway, I'll just take it apart and he won't know what the parts are for.

* * *

That's what I was doing before the door rang. I finished unscrewing the minute hand from the disc, set it down (don't want to break the time machine; might need it again), and went through the house to the front door. Daffy pointedly ignored the impatient ringing, watching TV.

"Who is it?" I politely sang, while looking through the peephole.

"President Obama," A nasally teenager's voice responded, putting his own eye up to the peephole before I could get a good look at him. Staring at his eyeball seemed kind of dumb, and I knew who it was, so I opened the door.

Yakko Warner was dressed formally, mock-solemnly walking down a red carpet that they had brought. Wakko was doing a drum-roll, dressed in marching band attire. I didn't recognize the youngest one; she looked like their sister, and must've been born after I moved. She was also dressed up for marching band.

And she was playing "Hail to the Chief" on a kazoo.

I know it sounds dumb, but I hadn't seen the first two in years, and, like any children, Yakko and Wakko were older.

"Who is that?!" Daffy called out from the living room. He had never met them at all.

"President Obama," I said, in a carefully modulated deadpan. I heard a gasp coming from the living room, some rustling around in a drawer, and it all ended with Daffy running and panting into the entry way in his ridiculous mall pants. No shirt, no underwear, just a pair of way-too-big jeans.

"You look really stupid dressed up like that," Daffy declared, pointing an accusatory finger at Yakko, who was now wearing almost the same outfit: no shirt, I don't know if he had any underwear on, and a pair of way-too-big khaki slacks.

The three snickered for a moment. "You're good," Yakko said, "He has too much of a monotone," pointing at me, "You could learn something from him."

"It's supposed to be a monotone, so that people don't think I'm serious," I said.

"I'll be sure to give you lessons in... whatever it is I'm so good at." Daffy said.

"Wait... you're serious?" Wakko said. When Daffy didn't immediately respond, Wakko laughed even harder than before.

"What's so funny!"

"You're wearing the same outfit, silly." The youngest one who's name I needed to get said.

"I make it look good." Daffy tried to strike up a pose.

"Please! My sides are starting to hurt!" Wakko mock-pleaded.

Daffy pointed at Wakko, "And you're not wearing any pants! And in front of the president, too!" Daffy switched his accusing finger to the girl, "And you're not wearing any shirt!"

"What's so strange about that?" I asked.

"It's indecent -"

Then I noticed what else he had said, "And do you still think the president's here?"

"Wh- You. Lied to me,"

"Wow. Dumber than advertised," I don't remember which of the kids said that.

"Anybody who isn't at least decent has no place in this house!" Daffy announced.

"Okay. Come on, kids," I offered.

"Wait! Where are you going!"

"Out of this house, like you said."


	2. Chapter 2

After being "kicked out of the house" for not being dressed, the four of us: Bugs Bunny, Yakko Warner, Wakko Warner, and ...

"What's your name, anyway?"

"I'm Yakko."

"I'm Wakko."

"I knew -"

"And I'm Princess Angelina Contessa Luisa Franchesca Banana Fanna Nanna Bo Besca The Third!"

"Seriously."

"No. The name's Dot."

"Dorothy?"

"Only Mom called me that. I'd prefer Dotty, and if you call me Dotty, you die."

"Okay, Dot. Wait, where you do you live anyway?" By now, we had all climbed into the car, and I was ready to take them home. I was in the front seat, the three were in the back.

"At the intersection of Jones Avenue and Freleng Road," Wakko said, sounding proud to have memorized where he lived.

There's a problem, though: "Those streets are parallel."

"Give the rabbit a medal!" Yakko praised. He pulled a huge medal out of his pants, and reached across to the front seat.

"Guh, no! I don't want that; I know where it's been!"

"Aaaaahh..." They complained together.

"Where do you really live?"

"We don't," Dot murmered. She seemed sad, but Wakko looked like he struck gold.

"We're ghoooosssts! Bwahahahaha!" He pulled on his ears and screwed his eyes up so that I couldn't see the pupils, only the whites of his eyes. Dot screamed, scrambled up into my lap, and sucked her thumb. I'd believe it if she were a couple years younger.

"Just tell me where your house is."

"We don't have one." Yakko sounded serious, but I knew better.

"Seriously."

"Yes." I thought I knew better, anyway.

"Look, just... just tell me what's going on, okay!"

"We're in the car," Yakko sang, to the tune I recognized from Sunday School, "You're getting fed up. You want to find out where we live and where we've been. You want to check up with our parents about how we're behaving and want to leave us all behind forevermore!"

"I mean **why don't you have a house**!"

"Same reason you can't chat with our parents. They're dead," Yakko, who gave the announcement, had taken it well. Dot looked like she could break out crying, so I shrewdly changed the subject.

"Where should I take you then?"

"For ice cream?" Wakko asked. He stood up just enough to wag his tail, and the others looked excited too.

"Only after I find out where you slept last night, and what you've already eaten."

"We slept at a movie studio." Dot seemed to have enjoyed herself while there.

"We ate at the cafeteria." Wakko's expression was a lot less dreamy, and a lot more excited.

"They kicked us out." I almost responded to Yakko's remark about how unsurprising it was, but decided this was the wrong time.

"You mean you've been living on the streets?"

"Please, don't kick us to the curb, to face the cold, cruel world! Even the orphanages won't take us! We no longer ask for more, we ask for something!"

"You won't win an Oscar that way, Yakko. Too hammy." I called him out on it.

"Can't we stay? Pwetty pwease!"

"I'll think about it."


	3. Chapter 3

"Wakko, that escalator is going the wrong way," I said. As you've probably already guessed, Wakko was walking up the down escalator, but before I could get him off it, he failed to dodge someone who was walking down.

"Sorry," he told a teenager he had bumped into.

"Yeah, yeah. They always say that and then they start hitting on you," She was pretty, but the attitude ruined it, "Go away."

"Wanna see my stamp collection?" Yakko said in a slightly mocking tone.

After grabbing Yakko and pulling him away, "I appologize for that. He needs to learn some manners," the young lady was practically hyperventilating.

"And you need to learn to CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN!" she screamed. Her blonde hair was sticking up, and I could've sworn she was growing taller! But before I could find out, we were power-walking away from that scene.

"Katie, Katie, please calm down!" a man who looked like her father. He looked like he spent every waking hour nervous.

"I'm sorry for all this," an equally frazzled woman walked up to me and said, "Katie's ..."

"Apology accepted."

"But you really should learn to control your children."

"WHAT'S UP, DOC?! First of all, they're not mine; I'm just watching them for a bit. Second, you " - I gave Yakko a brief look - " are in trouble. And third, I could say exactly the same to you." I looked over at Katie and her father, "Making a scene like that is hardly model behavior."

* * *

"Now be nice to the ice cream lady - she has enough to put up with. Especially if that one girl bought ice cream."

"Okay!" They all said in unison.

"I thought I was in trouble," Yakko said.

"I didn't say you had to be good to get ice cream. Remember what I was thinking about?"

"Oh," Yakko's ears drooped.

There were two parents and their toddler daughter in front of us. Wait, no, if she was their kid she wouldn't have called the woman "lady."

"Now what would you like, Mindy?" "Lady" asked her charge.

"Icecream! Icecream!"

"Yes, Mindy, we're getting ice cream. What kind would you like? You can get chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla."

Mindy screwed up her face and put her finger to her temple, trying to decide.

"Choose something, I haven't got all day!" The fat and crabby ice cream lady rudely demanded.

Mindy's eyes opened wide, her hand dropped from her face, and she backed away from the booth; she looked scared.

"What do you want?" the ice cream lady continued to act rude, but this time she was glaring at Yakko.

"Angelina Jolie..."

"What."

"How did you get into the ice cream business? No sense of humor, you don't even like little kids, the only thing you seem to have going for you is that sweet tooth," Yakko got out of line, climbed onto the counter, and jabbed her in the gut with his pointer finger, "Assuming that's from sugar."

The ice cream lady bodily pushed Yakko off the counter.

"You try dealing with jerks all day!" First thing she seemed to be interested in since I met her.

"Okay!" Wakko piped up. He pulled off her uniform (an ice cream cone hat and a pink apron), leaving her white shirt underneath, took off his cap and shirt, and put on the uniform, which was obviously way too big. "After all, you are hiring."

"You'll need to fill out a job application first," she pulled out a sheet of paper and thrust it at Wakko, who pulled a pencil out of his discarded hat and filled out his:

"Name, Wakko Warner. Age, ten. SSN, 5 -" Wakko smacked himself on the head with a large wooden mallet (where did he get that?) and continued without saying it out loud.

"Censored censored censored - censored censored - censored censored censored. Sex," he gave the ice cream lady a top-down, "No thanks!"

"Muah! Good night everybody!" Yakko announced.

"Just kidding! Male. Five plus three? What's that got to do with getting a job?"

"You need to be able to count," the ice cream lady wore a weird mix of a pout and a glare.

"Eight. Nine times thirty," Wakko hummed to himself, "Two-hundred seventy!" And he folded the form into a paper airplane and threw it to the ice cream lady, who missed.

"All right, I'm going to have to watch you work the first day, so get behind the counter, the customers are waiting!"

"So Hi I'm Wakko Warner What Would You Like Today?"

Mindy looked confused, "I... I don't know!" She started crying.

"One I Don't Know coming right up?"

Wakko scooped up one of each flavor (vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry for the hard of memory), and tossed them into the air.  
He then grabbed one of those huge, wide knives they use for cutting out of a block of ice cream, and, in two wide motions, cut the balls of ice cream into thirds.  
What really impressed Mindy, though, was assembling three perfect ice cream cones with three-flavor scoops of ice cream, shuffling the slices around in midair and catching them in ice cream cones.  
The one Mindy got had strawberry on top, vanilla in the middle, and chocolate on the bottom.  
He set the other two cones to the side; obviously wanted to eat them but wanted me to adopt him more.

"If you eat one of them, it goes out of your paycheck!" the ice cream lady added. Yeah, that might have had something to do with it, too.

"Thank you mister puppy boy, I love you, bye-bye!" Mindy's parents smirked slightly, paid Wakko double the $3.00 he asked for, and thanked him also.

"You just got a job at the ice cream booth?" I asked. Yeah, I spent the whole time just staring. I admit it.

"Wow, dumber than advertised," Dot said, rolling her eyes and pointing her thumb at me.

"What would you three like?" Wakko asked. Of course, we were now at the head of the line.

"Eeeehhhh... I'll have an I Don't Know."

"Me too!"

"No thanks, I already ate."

He gave us the two he had set aside after making one for Mindy, and announced the price "That will be six dollars, please."

"What would you like, Doc? I'm still taking you out for ice cream, after all."

Wakko pulled a mirror out of his discarded hat and told himself, "I'll have three I Don't Knows. Coming right up!" and did the trick with the three scoops, ate them out of mid-air, and ate three plain ice cream cones.


	4. Chapter 4

I put two five dollar bills on the ice cream shop's counter, and let Wakko know he could keep the change. "We'd better get back to Daffy before he burns the house down."

With that, we started back. We were in the mall's grand-looking entrance when Dot realized, "Wait! We forgot Wak-!" And she realized something else and put her face in her palm.

Recognizing an opportunity when I got one, I pointed my thumb at her and announced, "Wow. Dumber than advertized," I love using people own words on them. I motioned for us to resume walking.

Dot gave her older brother a pleading look. Not sure what she wanted to do, but whatever it was, Yakko knew and he wasn't having it, "Fair's fair, Dot. Don't be a hypocrite."

"Tell Daffy that," I mocked.

The last time they had said anything in unison, it was to approve the ice cream. This time, it was "We will, we will," and a disturbing grin that told me I should worry for Daffy's sake. The rest of the walk to the car was uncomfortably silent.

I tried to break the silence when we got into the car. "I'm surprised at you. Most kids I know would fight over the front seat."

"What's the point in riding shotgun, again?" Dot asked.

"It's not that there's actually a point. It's that if you get it, nobody else gets to get it. It's the prestige," Yakko replied.

"Then I want to sit in front!" Dot said, climbing over both Yakko and the seat (she had sat behind me) into shotgun position.

"No, I want to!" Dot might have sounded a little cute, but Yakko just sounded dumb. Anyway, he grabbed her legs and flung her back down, accidentally hitting her head on the back passenger-side window. If the window had broken, I'd have probably called the whole thing off. As it is, Dot looked dizzy and probably saw stars.

Yakko climbed over the back of the seat, and sat down beside me. "Better?" he asked me.

Before I said something obscene, the back of Yakko's seat went down, and Dot pulled him out of it by his ears. Looked painful.

"Hold it!" I cried, "I take it back!"

"Okay," they immediately stopped fighting and got back into their seats.

"Don't really like fighting in a car anyway," Yakko said.

"Wakko does it better," Dot added, "I miss him already!"

I started up the car, and got going. "He'll be off in a few hours, kids aren't allowed to work all night."

"Or on weekdays. Don't want us to miss any quality time with Miss Famiel."

"I like her. She's mean," Huh?

* * *

The rest of the trip passed in awkward silence. How can you possibly respond to "I like her. She's mean?"

And there it was. Home sweet home. With smoke.

"We're too late," I said. Daffy must have seen me coming, because he ran out of the house and in front of my car; I almost ran him over.

He had some serious-looking burns on him. "All right, Bugs! Why didn't the kerosene water put the fire out!"

"Kerosene?! Did you call the fire department?"

"Of course not! Too expensive! And I still want to know why the kerosene water didn't put the fire out!"

"Daffy, the fire department is free! And kerosene is oil, not water: it has flammable written all over the bottle!"

"It costs taxpayer money. And I thought the picture of fire meant it was good at putting fire out! They should make their labels less confusing!"

"Wow," I came in with Dot to say it with her, in unison, "Dumber than advertized."

"And you advertized him pretty dumb," Yakko added.

"Well, I'm calling the fire department!" and I did.

While we waited for the fire department to arrive, I asked Daffy, "Why didn't you use a fire extinguisher?"

"Fire extinguisher?" He had a flat sound to his voice, like he thought I was joking.

"You know, that red can in the corner of the kitchen and the garage?"

"You never told me what it did."

"Yes, I did. Remember, when you first moved in, I told you, I said "Daffy, if there's ever a fire, the fire extinguishers are in the garage and in the kitchen." You didn't know how to use it, so I showed you with a tiny fire I started on a piece of paper in a pan, remember?

"Oh, that," he paused for a moment to think, "Well, it wouldn't be the first time you lied to me," Daffy looked over at Yakko and pointed, "President. Obama."

"I thought I never told you what it did," I wasn't going to let him wiggle out of this one.

"I never said that."

I almost screamed at him! That duck could be such a pain in the neck! But before I got the chance, the fire engine arrived.

"Sir, where's the fire?" one of the firemen asked me. I looked at the house, and noticed that the smoke had stopped rising from it. I looked at Daffy.

"It's in the garage. I'll lead the way."

I opened the garage with the button I had installed in my car, and I saw what had caught fire. There was a discarded bottle of kerosene next to my time machine, all the flammable parts had burned and the glass clock face had shattered, but the aluminum framework was just charred and fused in spots. Since the machine had been alone in the middle of a clean concrete floor, the fire had not spread. But that image was burned into my memory forever: I liked having a time machine, and now I didn't.

"Thank you for your time," I told the fire marshal, who was taking notes. "Sorry to call you out here, needlessly."

"Thank you for calling. It's better that you did," The fire marshal didn't actually believe what he was saying, but he was legally bound to recommend being cautious. He got to say what he thought to Daffy, though, "Read the label on the bottle next time."


	5. Chapter 5

The fireman hosed down the burned up time machine a bit, just to be able to say he did something, I guess. Well, cooling it down does make it easier to clean up, so that helps.

Just as I was walking into the garage to start working on it, I noticed Daffy walking in the front door. "Hold on a moment there!" I called.

"What?"

"You burned up my -" I caught myself before I told him it was a time machine "- secret invention. You are going to help clean up!"

"That's a terrible idea! I've got a crooked back, bad knees, asthma -"

"Then we'd better get you to a hospital; I know you don't use an inhaler," I also knew I had won there.

"I'm suddenly cured! It's a Christmas miracle!" Like playing chess with a pigeon...

"It's the middle of summer. Now get in here and help!"

"You do NOT tell me what to do!" Daffy resumed walking towards the front door. He opened it, and guess who was on the other side.

"While you two were arguing like little kids, the little kids cleaned up the time machine," Yakko said. Daffy looked pleased with himself (as if he had convinced Yakko and Dot to do the work!), but when I noticed a little bit of drool I realized my mouth was hanging open. Yakko added that "I didn't enjoy it..." Well, that's no surprised; since when do kids volunteer for work?

I just realized. He figured out it used to be a time machine!

"But it's worth the look on your faces!" Dot concluded. Okay, okay, you got me.

Yakko held out some orange thing it took me a bit to recognize, "Your bill."

Daffy screamed through the hole in his face where his bill used to be, and scrambled behind me like a scared little kid, "What kind of monster is that!"

The two kids... wait a minute, I never did tell him their names, did I? "This guy's Yakko, and she's Dot."

"I wasn't asking for their names! They're dumb names anyway. I mean, who names their kid 'Yakko' - that's not even a real name!"

"This is gonna be another thing like how we dress, isn't it..." Dot looked disappointed, and it wasn't a real question.

"Yes, it is," Yakko sighed, "Now, it's getting sad."

"How'd you clean it up so fast, anyway?" I asked.

I heard a loud belch behind me, and smelled burned time machine. I jumped, turned around, and stared at Wakko.

"You're supposed to be at work?!"

"I still am."

I got ready to protest, but changed my mind. After all, he had just eaten a time machine that was bigger than him, and Yakko pulled off Daffy's beak right under his nose; they've already done two impossible things today, why not a third?

"You're not going to check?!" Daffy demanded. He's always demanding. Demanding and missing the point. That's pretty much all he ever does: demand and miss the point. It is getting sad.

I'd already been to the mall twice today. Besides, "I'd better not look. He just might be there."


	6. Chapter 6

My time machine was burned up, was eaten by one of the kids who also happened to be two places at once, and, for that matter, a couple of kids I hadn't seen since I was still living in a hole in the ground (and their little sister) showed up on my doorstep after apparently living on the streets for awhile. An alien invasion would still count as "the rest of the day was not that interesting."

The rest of the day was not that interesting. Besides, there wasn't much day left anyway; I passed out at 8PM, and it was 6PM when the firemen left.

* * *

I guess I should briefly describe my sleeping arrangements. A taller human's head reaches the top of my ears, so my whole height, ears included, fits on a normal bed. After years of painful kinks, I've discovered that I can sleep comfortably by putting my pillows and head about 3/4 of the way down the bed, stretching my ears all the way out.

I have to explain that in order for this to make sense: I woke up to Yakko between my ears, screeching in a way that sounded kind of like an alarm clock, "Eeehh! Eeehh! Eeehh!"

"Nnnhh."

"Get up, get up! You'll be late to work!" Yakko said, and bodily dragged me out of bed, dressed me up in a crossdressing outfit ("Hey!"), and pulled me down the stairs.

"Wait a -" I stubbed my toe on a step. I was bouncing around, holding my foot.

"Sorry about your alarm. I told Wakko not to eat it."

"Wait a minute! I don't have a job!"

Yakko blinked once before dragging me to my computer, "The economy is on the upswing! There are plenty of job opportunities opening up for a nice, talented young lady like you, and I'm going to help you find one," Somehow, while I wasn't looking, he had changed into a suit and tie.

"Stop! Stop! You don't understand. I don't need a job: I earn all the money I want from royalties on the carrot peeler. Besides, the economy..," That's when I noticed the other wrong thing he had said.

"I'm not a woman! The clothes are just a thing I do -"

"Sheesh, you even sound like my sister."

"I just like dressing up!"

"Don't let anybody tell you that!"

"AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGG!" That was Daffy in the other room. I heard the other two kids snickering as I saw Daf pounding his way down the staircase.

Daffy was wearing another one of my crossdressing outfits, plus overly thick makeup and lipstick (which looked really stupid on his beak). "He pulled my bill!"

Wakko, who I guess pulled Daffy's beak, grinned, "No, I didn't. I beeped it!" Daffy lunged at Wakko, who took a single step out of the way and let Daf slam into the wall face first.

"Popcorn?" Yakko offered. I hadn't noticed, but he had sat down beside me and gotten a bag of popcorn and two sodas from the fridge. "Sure, why not?" I replied.

Just as I was about to eat my first handfull, Daffy happened to look over where we are. He was soon breathing down my kneck and demanding, "You think this is funny?! How would you like it if I tried to twist your nose off!" and he grabbed my nose and gave it a sharp twist.

"I didn't do that. I just did this!" Wakko said from way out there. He padded over to Daffy, touched his bill with a single finger, and said "Beep!"

"You practically took my beak off! Again!" Daffy assumed the exaggerated haughty pose that I knew so well. He knew he was wrong, but would never, ever going to admit it.

"If I wanted to take your beak off," Wakko countered, "I would've done this." Wakko pulled off his cap, and reached in, and pulled out a chainsaw.

I heard a thud where Daffy used to be standing. He had passed out.

The chainsaw's power cable was still in the hat. Wakko pulled out the unmounted power outlet it was connected to, then the wire running out the other end of the outlet. He kept pulling and got a circuit breaker with a bunch of thin wires (including the one he was pulling on) running in and a thicker wire running out. He grabbed the thicker one and probably would've pulled out the rest of his personal electrical grid, except that the overhead power line hit the ceiling, so he couldn't get it all the way out of the hat.

"What happened to the hot water?" a lady about my age squeezed between the electrical stuff and the hat's stretched-out brim. She was dressed in nothing but a golden-yellow towel that matched her hair, and was still wet from showering. She tried to get the rest of the way out, but was too well-endowed to fit.

"Hello nurse!" Yakko and Wakko announced together. They bounced into the air, aimed to land in her arms except that there was a big tangle of uninsulated electrical wire in the way. While the sparks flew, Wakko immediately struggled, but Yakko took a few moments to enjoy it before he realized that it was electrical wire, not his sex object's arms, that he was tangled in.

"Boys..." Dot commented.

I ran a quick self-check and... yes, I was staring. At least I hadn't reacted like them, but still, I'd better stop.

The woman struggled some more; by now the boys' tails were sticking straight out and they were literally panting. Embarrasing; I'd better maintain more self-control than that! Not easy...

Dot weaved her way through the tangled mess, in some cases seeming to warp her body to fit. And by seemed to warp her body I mean there was a spot in there that had randomly arranged itself into a grid with holes I couldn't fit a sewing needle through; she split her body into thousands of pieces, those pieces levitated to the other side, and she reassembled immediately after getting through.

And Dot immediately climbed on top of the lady's head and started jumping up and down.

"Nonononono," the gold-haired lady nodded, "I'm trying to get out, not in..."

Dot hopped down and grabbed the trapped woman by her armpits, crouched down, and tried to lift her out. I think Dot had an idea, based on her facial expression, but what I know is that she let go and the girl she was trying to help fell back in, the overhead power line tipped over and also slid back in, dragging everything else along with it.

Wakko's hat was no longer stretched out, but I could hear the sound of a hairdrier coming from inside, "Thank you!" the not-so-old woman who lived in a hat said.

"Wait, I almost forgot!" Wakko had recovered by now, and dove head-first into his little red cap. "Here it is!"


	7. Chapter 7

They had his beak again, but Daffy was still unconscious, so, in Wakko's own words, "It's no fun when he's just asleep," and he just put it back on.

Didn't make much sense to me, "Why not just wait until he wakes up? Wait, why am I asking? I want you to put it back on!"

"Good question!" Wakko said before dropping his hat on the floor and reaching in to pull out Daffy's beak again.

"No - Put! It! Back! On!" I growled. I stepped over to grab it and tripped over that woman that had been living inside Wakko's hat (now fully dressed in a nurse's outfit for whatever reason). She had been climbing out, of course.

"Who are _you_!" Daffy said. I hadn't noticed before, but even though it wasn't attached, his beak still moved when he talked. He was staring, just as shamelessly as Yakko and Wakko did, at that young lady who lived in a hat. Sounds like an old nursery rhyme, heh. Anyway, at least he asked the question and I could stop calling her "the young lady that lived in a hat."

"Miss Hello Nurse," she got up, smiled and nodded at him. If I had to guess, she was waiting for him to weird out at the odd name.

Daffy disappointed her, "Mister Leapold von Litchenstein."

"Why are you wearing a dress and make-up? And why isn't your bill attached?"

* * *

"Okay, who did it," Daffy demanded. Anyway, I should set the scene: Daffy had led us into the basement and was shining a reading lamp in our faces.

"He did it!" Yakko pointed at Wakko.

"She did it!" Wakko pointed at Dot.

"He did it!" Dot pointed at Yakko.

"Why am I here? I can't have done it," Hello Nurse added.

"Aren't you a little old for this," I shot Yakko a look.

"Finally!" Yakko breathed out like he'd been holding his breath, "I was starting to wonder if we'd found the wrong Bugs!"

"And a little young to be pining for the good-old-days," I added.

"What are you talking about," Daffy added. Grammatically, I should add a question mark, but it didn't sound like a question.

"What we're talking about at paragraph 18 chapter 7, Bug's past at paragraph 15 chapter 7, Bug's second real insult at paragraph 14 chapter 7 ..."

"Did you really want the whole stack thing?" Wakko scratched the side of his head.

"No. I want. Justice. NOW WHO STOLE MY BEAK AND WHO DRESSED ME IN GIRL'S CLOTHES!"

"Okay, Bill," Yakko replied. The other kids snickered - an inside joke, I guess.

"She did it," Yakko pointed at Dot.

"He did it," Dot pointed at Wakko.

"He did it," Wakko pointed at Yakko.

Daffy started wiggling his fingers in their face. Oh no, "You are getting sleepy. You are now hypnotised. Confess!" The kids all opened their eyes wide and spun them around.

"I did it, in the conservatory, with the rope," Dot said, in a weird monotone.

"I ate the cookies in the cookie jar! Yeah!" Wakko sang.

"Okay, I admit it, I confess, I really do play with myself at night," Yakko concluded, "Jenga!" He reached into his pants and pulled out the stack of building blocks in a tube.

"You are no match for my wizard powers! Coooonnfeeessss!"

"Can you pull a rabbit out of a hat?" Dot gave him puppy-dog eyes and kneeled at his feet.

"Can you saw me in half?" Wakko asked, "Oh please, please saw me in half!"

And Yakko pulled Miss Nurse (who had just been standing there like she had no idea what to do) "And here's your lovely assistant! Don't tell her what's happening; she's more beautiful when she's confused."

"Can I pull a rabbit out of a hat," Daffy mocked, "Can I pull a rabbit out of a hat!"

"Okay!" Wakko pulled off his hat, and handed tossed it to Daffy, who fumbled a bit trying to catch it but in the end had to pick it up off the floor.

It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I, at least, didn't want to be on it, "Let me guess. He's going to reach in there, and somehow pull *me* out of there,"

"Nope. Better than that," Wakko answered.

That was a relief, until I remember what "better" probably meant. Daffy had stuck his hand in there, creating a bulge in the top of the hat. However Wakko pulled stuff out of there, Daffy wasn't doing it. Just an ordinary hat.

Then Daffy started shaking the hat like he was trying to get a rabbit to fall out; still nothing. When he started just shaking it in anger, a refrigerator fell out on top of him, opened, and revealed that his head had gone through the bottom and a bunch of jars and fresh produce.

"Now Daffy," Yakko chided, "You really shouldn't waste food like that. Apples," he pointed at a bruised apple, "don't grow on trees, you know."

"You're in a bit of a pickle, aren't you?" Wakko pointed at the pickle Daffy's restored beak had impaled.

"You can't just -" I started.

"Wait! I'm not finished yet," Dot interrupted, walked up to Daffy, pointed at a big smear of butter, and finished, "If you don't want to break out, use a water-based cream, not an oil-based one."


	8. Chapter 8

"You can't just drop a refrigerator on anybody you don't like!" I finally got it out.

Dot looked at her brothers; she looked kind of confused. Wakko looked like he was trying to remember something, and Yakko looked like I had grown three heads.

"Of course not!" Yakko said, his weirded-out face turned into indignation, "They have to deserve it first."

"You're too boring, but he's nice and mean!" Dot added, pointing at Daffy and grinning.

"He's crying," Miss Nurse said in a dazed voice.

"Then it's officially time for you to go," I announced, "I tried to help you out here, but prison is definitely where you belong,"

"Uh-uh," Wakko said matter-of-factly.

"You don't think they'll arrest you when they see this?" I rhetorically asked, snapping a picture of the scene (I love the cameraphone).

"Nope!" Yakko sounded so self-assured I started to doubt myself.

I switched to my phone's dialer, punched in 911, and get no signal in the basement, "I'm going to have to go upstairs,"

When I opened the door to the basement, I got wet. The snickering coming from behind me told me all I needed to know, "Bucket of water on the door. Really mature, guys."

Upstairs I was able to get a signal, and of course the cops didn't believe me. They just had to get them to check,

"Hello, this is the police."

"Hi, uh, I don't think you'll believe this, but some kid dropped a refrigerator on my roommate. Could you please get down here?"

"Yeah. You do realize that false reports are illegal, don't you?"

"Tell that to the refrigerator."

"We'll check, but if this is a false report, you'll be the one under arrest."

* * *

Wouldn't you know it? I went down to see what was happening before the police arrived, and I couldn't even find Daffy or the refrigerator. Instead, I found Wakko and Dot had hooked up an old-fasioned TV and game console (I'm not a gamer; I can't tell you what game console) and were playing something two-player. Yakko and Miss Nurse were playing Jenga. Like nothing had happened...

"WHERE'S DAFFY!" I screamed. Then the police kicked the door down, but I didn't notice; I was too busy panicking about what I'd tell them when the police arrived.

"Eeeehhh, Bugs," Yakko held up his hands in a "stop" gesture. I grabbed him by the kneck and started shaking, "Where's the refridgerator, and where's Daffy!"

A policeman pulled my arms off of him and cuffed them behind my back, but he spoke like he wasn't mad at me, "Okay, buddy, we'll help you find Daffy. Come on, just calm down and you can tell us all about it when you get to the station."

Then it dawned on me, "I'm *not crazy*! Where's Daffy, what've you done with him! Is he in your hat?!" I looked over at Wakko.

Wakko pointed at his head and twirled his finger in the universal crazy-in-the-head gesture.

"AAUGH!"


End file.
